Spice Pop
by Vivacious-Velociraptor
Summary: Sugar, spice, and everything nice my ass. I don't care if, as the Hale family heir, it's my "duty" to further the company's connections, no one can convince me, Kaeden Hale, to marry that stick-up-his-ass Kyoya Ootori. That is... as long as that damned host club stays out of my way. What the hell did I just get myself into?
1. In The Beginning

**Hey everybody! This is my first fanfic, it's gonna be awkward. We can get through it together. If you like it or want to suggest something, feel free to review. I can't wait to hear from you guys! I'm hoping to have a song theme thing for every chapter. This chapter's song is Can't Touch This by MC Hammer. I promise to be more creative in the future. **

**Warning: Swearing, sarcasm, stupidity, and ****_severe_**** damage to the fourth wall**

**Disclaimer: As sad and disappointing as it is, I do not own the Ouran High School Host Club or the characters involved. If I did, I'd be very rich and would be drowning myself in puppies and hookers. All I've got to my name is the title and my OC's **

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"Tyler, you shoelace-eating gay French flamingo, you better get your ass back here before I toast it with my fire bending skills!" I screamed as I chased the boy in question down the street.

"Well, if you want your notebook back, you've gotta catch me first! Or else I might reeaaaddd it!" he yelled behind him as he took off towards my house. We both knew how unfair this was considering he was the fastest kid on this side of the Mississippi.

Or on any side of the Mississippi for that matter.

"Do that and I'll castrate you with a branding iron" He ignored my threat and instead turned around and began running backwards, much to my humiliation, as I _still_ couldn't catch him.

"Is that a threat or a promise? Because either way you wouldn't go through with it. I've read what you write in here and you, my dear, have some explaining to do," he falsely batted his eyelashes at me and began spouting falsities of what he thought, no _hoped_, my notebook would contain in a high-pitched cliché female voice:

'_Dear Diary~ Tyler looks sooooo dreamy today~, I think we should get married~!' _

_'Dear Diary~ my mother always told me to follow my dreams, so I think I'll follow Tyler home today~!_

_ Dear Diar-'_" I quickly cut him off.

"In your wettest dreams dude. Or maybe not, because only a true gay could muster the voice and facial expression you just exhibited. Is that why you're the only pale kid in Cali? Because there's no sun in the closet?" I said, gesturing to his obviously pale (a.k.a. perfectly tanned and not to mention toned) body.

As we reached the front gate to my house, he turned around and scowled at me, but soon ditched the serious face for a laughing one when he saw me lying on my back panting like I'd just run a marathon.

Which, you know, I basically had.

"Bitch don't you laugh at me! Running is fucking difficult, and we can't all be Usain Bolt's white cousin." When he just started laughing even harder I stepped it up a notch. "I swear I will bitch slap you into the shadow realm, don't even try me!" I yelled as I lunged for the notebook in his hand, which he quickly raised over his head.

"Your words are so hurtful, I don't know if I should give this back," He teased, still dangling my treasure over my head, just out of my reach. And that's a _very_ hard thing to do, given that I'm 5'10" and all. But of course, Tyler the Tyrant had to be 6'3".

Fucking bitch.

As I was bear wrestling him for possession of my baby, the front door of my house opened.

Well, some call it a house… others call it a mansion.

Whatever you prefer to call a 9,700 square foot house worth almost 17 million dollars.

I personally prefer "house;" it seems more normal.

"Kaeden Hale! Stop that childish rough-housing _this instant_! Get in here. You have a visitor."

Oh. Shit.

That voice; that was my father. Although not much taller than myself, Alexander Hale II (Wow you are "the second," _sooooo_ fancy father, _truly_) was a force to be reckoned with. Head to the Hale family and its fortune in the field of medical sciences and technologies, my father learned at a _very_ young age what it takes to be the leader of a world-renowned business. He tried to pass his knowledge on to me.

Key word: _tried_.

It stuck like deep-fried cupcakes to a wet window in August.

A.k.a. it didn't stick too well. I'd much rather spend my time screwing around with "commoners" than learning how to be a "proper lady." The only time I would need those skills is for when I have dinner with the goddamn President, Tom Hiddleston, or Jesus.

None of which, are _ever_ going to happen.

And thus, Kaeden Hale determines: "proper lady" etiquette not needed for basic daily function.

Instead, at the encouragement of Family Guy and South Park, I decided to try my luck at being a "commoner" and spend my time being a retard with Tyler and the other neighborhood weirdos who lived in the rather plain middle class neighborhood just down the way. All of my multi-millionaire (or *cough* occasional billionaire) neighbors complained about that part of our sub-division because "It lowered their property's value."

No, bitch, me spray-painting Miley Cyrus twerking her flat ass on your five-car garage would lower your property value.

I don't think my father couldn't express his disdain for my "alternate lifestyle" over the cliché "rich life" more often than he already did, but I wouldn't put it past him. I mean, the man refused to be called "jr." and insisted on being called "the second" because _it sounded richer_.

Jesus Haploid Christ father, _wh_y?

All aside, in the moment said parental figure rather rudely interrupted our fierce battle, Tyler froze at the sight of the _one_ man that could terrify that egotistical pancake into submission. I always thought it was hilarious considering his usually impish attitude and knee-jerk reactions to being challenged, but there was no playing around, joking, or kidding with my father.

Not now. Not ever.

So in retrospect we can all see what a _great_ childhood I had and the _strong_ bond I formed with my father.

Moving on.

I really didn't want to risk sending him on a tyrannical rampage, so I threw Tyler an apologetic look as he handed over my notebook and said my goodbyes. I was surprised my father took the time to physically retrieve me himself rather than send a maid (those of which, by the way, are unneeded in my life since I require no assistance with daily activities, yet I still have to dismiss them each morning), and it was then I recalled his earlier words.

Visitor, he said?

"You said I had a visitor?" I inquired skeptically. The _last_ "visitor" I had was a shrink when I was 9 because I had an imaginary friend named Percy and my father feared for my sanity.

In retrospect, I _probably_ shouldn't have told him that Percy's nickname was "orphan crippler" buuuuut…

You know…

Shit happens.

"Yes I did. Now come inside so you can meet him." My father stated with an odd glint in his eye. I tended to not pay attention to his body language because it was usually unreadable, but I could almost tell what this was. It was...smug. Victorious.

Oh god, I don't even _want_ to know who's sitting in my living room.

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"Is it another shrink?"

"No."

"Is it the Tom Hiddleston?"

"No."

"Damn. Is it… hmm… the President? No, wait! …is it Jesus?"

*Sigh* "_No_ Kaeden, it's not the president nor is it Jesus." (Internal win because no Tom Hiddleston, no President and no Jesus = no proper etiquette needed in the eyes of the family delinquent a.k.a. moi.)

"Alright, then who is it?"

"You'll see." He smirked as another evil glint appeared in the evil man's evil eye.

I am so fucked.

**_So_**.

**_Fucked_**.

We stopped in front of the door to our patio, where he turned to me and raked his eyes over my form in distaste at my _Evanescence_ band shirt, thigh high stockings, and ratty converse.

He may not like it…

but shit they were 99 cents.

…

Did I _really_ just make that joke?

_Anywhore_, short story short, we argued over my clothing until I agreed to go change into something more presentable.

And when I say "I agreed to go change into something more presentable," I mean I stood in front of the patio door for a good 15 minutes before marching out to meet my _very lucky _visitor in the same clothing because

I am simply

too

glam

to

give

a damn.

Though I am 386% sure that explanation would not be good enough for my positively _fuming_ father, who happened to be seated next to a very official looking middle-aged Japanese man with a dark businessey-mannish mustache and gotee thing to match his dark hair, his glasses resting upon his well-defined nose and high cheek bones.

_Helloooooooooo_ there obvious business partner of my father's whose pristine opinion of this family I just abolished in about 2.4 seconds.

"Hola." I felt I had to show I wasn't an uncultured swine in _some way_.

At this rate I think it's safe to say I've already pissed my father off to the point of no return between Tyler and my attire, and this dude probably already thinks I need to be burned at the stake.

"K-Kaeden… W-whyy don't y-you… join usssss?" my father managed to hiss out between aggravated breaths and grinding teeth. Oh man, his face was redder than a 5th grader in a Sex Ed class.

And

It

Was

Hilarious.

"Sure." I took a seat across from my father and started giggling to myself, much to my father's chagrin and confusion.

I honestly can't believe I had to _stop _myself from starting a game of _Duck Duck Goose _just then. Like really, Kaeden? _Really_?

Get it together, you're, like, 7 and a half now; Duck Duck Goose is for _6 year olds_.

After mentally composing myself, I turned my attention to my father, who took a deep breath to calm his hands shaking in anger before starting his sentence.

"Kaeden, this is a business partner of mine, Mister Ootori. Mister Ootori, this is my daughter I've been telling you about, Kaeden."

Woah.

Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah.

Woah.

Pause.

Rewind.

He's been _talking_ to a _business partner_ about _me_? Do you know how rare it is for him to even acknowledge the existence of a daughter let alone have a full-blown conversation about me? Damn. He must either think this Ootori guy is dumb, insane, or really, really accepting to be able to tell others about me.

Or, the more likely option, he lied. I wonder what lies I have to live up to? "Perfectly mannered, well groomed, exemplary youth of America?"

Oh god

I just imagined that in cursive in a red, white, and blue banner floating over my head as I preform a "princess wave" after winning Miss Universe, while the President, Tom Hiddleston, and Jesus have dinner in the background.

*shiver*

I think I need that part of my imagination removed.

"Ah yes, I have heard many great things, Miss Hale." He stated in a slightly dissenting voice, snapping me back into reality. It was with that sentence I concluded, _yes, my father lied. He lied __**big time**_. Though, hearing Mister O's disproval at my actions made me want to catch him off guard for just a moment. He resembled a man who wasn't surprised often.

I fluently sat in the chair across from him, swept my right leg over my left one, and looked him dead in the eye before starting my rather well rehearsed response.

"Ah, yes. I am quite glad that my darling father has given me the opportunity to meet such a high-class businessman such as yourself. Honestly, the variety and quality of the Ootori's company's services are quite impressive and I must say that it is an honor to be able to meet the mastermind behind the magic. I am very glad to hear your daughter's engagement is going grandly, and that your three sons are doing fine as well. I do believe that your third son is around my age, though I am sure he has accomplished far more than I. I am sure all of your children will be well fit to run the company in the future, no matter who you choose."

_What_? Did you honestly think I had _no_ idea he was coming today? I mean, gossip spreads like wildfire in the Hale household, especially when your talkative workers like to speak loudly near the pantry you hide in to gorge yourself on cookies.

I just _Googled_ the dude. (Shout out to Jesus and Larry Page for Google).

I've literally had that monologue written on my hand in Sharpie since noon.

I sat back, awaiting a reaction. My father was no longer angry at my previous behavior, or so I hoped, and was simply gaping at me.

Score: 1 for the delinquent; 0 for authori-tah.

Mister Ootori merely widened his eyes at my response, but hey, I'll take it.

Before my father could voice his response to my rather _elaborate_ performance, O-man started his own rebuttal.

"Well, _someone_ has done their homework. Yes, I indeed have a son your age, Miss Hale, and in fact, his existence is what brought me here." He cleared his throat and shifted his gaze away from me and over to the far side of the patio, where I failed to notice the third Ootori son, dick deep in a plain black notebook a bit like mine.

Except mine is covered in graffiti, stickers, doodles and _imagination_.

But hey, other than that, they're similar.

He looked up from his obviously very intensive brainstorming session to meet my eyes with his onyx ones.

I saluted comically, completely dropping my proper masquerade. I'd proven my ability to form an intelligent response, and now, I shall live in the land of clusterfuckery.

He simply reached his hand out for a handshake, which I tuned into an awkward high five.

"Down low!" I yelled.

Wow I am a fucking retard.

"Ha. Yes. It is nice to meet you Miss Hale." He stated with a strained smile that stopped miles short of his eyes as he retracted his hand into the safety of the pocket of his obviously designer jeans.

He was the type of kid who I would specially order a look-a-like Barbie for so he could have a twin just as fake as he is. I would bedazzle that bitch up.

Goddamn fake rhinestones shimmering like your fake smile.

I continued onwards with the conversation nonetheless.

"Likewise. …Kyoya… right?" I asked straining to remember the name of the last son. I didn't think I'd be quizzed _that_ intensely.

"Yes, you _did_ do your homework it seems. Though I did as well."

"_Really_ now?" I raised an eyebrow challengingly. What did this waffle know about me?

"Yes." He snapped open his uncreative notebook (at least it wasn't green, because then it would've been even _less_ creative)

_Focus_, Kaeden.

This dude may or may not have top-secret super classified information on you. Like about that one time in the 3rd grade when you got a D on one of your tests and you legitimately thought your father was going to kill you, so you and Tyler and a few of your other friends held a funeral for you at recess. They picked flowers and grass and let them blow away in the wind. You cried.

No. Shit. Stop. _Focus_.

"Kaeden Colleen Hale. Age: 15. Date of Birth: March 21. Location of Birth: Boston, Massachusetts. Current Location: San Diego, California. Current School: La Jolla Public High School." At that he looked over his classes at my father, almost demanding an explanation.

"Sh-she _insisted_ attending a public school! Besides, it suited her to learn of the life of a "commoner" if she was going to take over a company rooted in helping those types of…people." He stammered out, hoping it was enough to pass as an acceptable answer.

Ootori Jr. nodded before continuing on his information rampage.

"Relationships: Currently single. Tyler Kelly: Best friend, possible _love interest_?" He smirked at me.

I choked on my saliva in that moment.

"_Me_? Date TK? That's like peanut butter and ham. Just… no."

"Ah, I'm _sure_ that is the case. Furthermore, your father has remarried twice, but has just recently divorced his third wife. You are currently the only heir to the family title. You love anything greasy, but hate spicy food, and although you love Fall Out Boy and Evanescence," he glared at my band shirt obviously portraying that love, "and the like, you have a secret love and obsession with classical music, the violin to be specific. Also, you have a burning passion for whatever it is you put in that notebook although _that_ information has yet to be uncovered by anyone." He snapped his Deathnote shut and threw me a closed-eye smile.

Okay. So _maybe_ he did his homework.

At least he didn't mention any self-held funerals from when I was 10.

That's a plus.

"_Wow_ you're good. Would you like a gold star for your achievements?" I mocked, hoping this conversation would be over soon. I still had no idea why my father insisted I meet them. Unless he _wanted_ all relations with this family to be utterly annihilated, what was the point of including me?

"_Kaeden_." My father warned, concernedly glancing in Mister Ootori's direction. The man looked quite amused. Like he was watching a goddamn tennis match, or something. Whatever disgustingly rich people watch for entertainment (because it sure as hell isn't South Park or the like).

"Yes Daddy dearest?" I batted my eyelashes in his direction and gave him my best pageant smile.

"Let me reintroduce myself." Kyoya stuck out his hand again, which I decided to actually take like a civilized human being to balance out my dumbassery of the day. He bent to kiss the top of my hand like we were in the Victorian Era or some shit before saying,

"I am Kyoya Ootori…"

"…your new fiancé."


	2. Storm of the Patriarchs

**Hey there otakus who are nice enough to take time out of their lives to read this Fanfiction that can only be described as a major clusterfuck of rainbows and reverse harems. This chapter's song is Ignorance by Paramore. Enjoy the rants~ **

**Warning: Swearing, sarcasm, stupidity, and ****_severe_**** damage to the fourth wall**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Ouran High School Host Club or the characters involved. Which is tough shit because if I did so happen to own them, I wouldn't totally ravage all the feels of my fans. *cough* Takuya Igarashi I'm talking to you and your BS plot line *cough* All I've got to my name is the title and my OC's, which by the way, are most likely on crack soooooo**

**Without further ado**

**Chapter 2!**

**(Ha that rhymed. I'm funny. Why aren't you laughing?) **

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I just choked on my saliva. _Again_.

"Ha," I pretended to clean out my ears, "I must not have heard you correctly because it _almost_ sounded like you just said you're my new fiancé."

"But, _my dear_, that's exactly what I just said." Kyoya stated slyly without looking up from his notebook.

"Oh _sure_, when's the wedding?" I rhetorically asked in a sarcastic voice.

"Sometime in the next few years I believe, right after high school is through." My father answered matter-of-factly.

And then I choked. **_Again_**. Was this some type of goddamn world record or something?

"Y-You…You're _serious_ aren't you?"

"_Of course_, Miss Hale. Our companies have been collaborating for many years in the medical field, and what better way to seal our partnership than with marriage?" My apparent soon-to-be "father-in-law" stated as it were the most obvious fact in the whole world.

"Well, while that _is_ a fantastic world domination plan and all… no thanks?"

"Kaeden!" My father scolded, "It is not your place to decide."

"_Excuse me?_ It's not _my_ place to decide whom _I_ marry? What is this, the 17th century? No! It is fucking modern times. I will marry who I goddamn please. If I want to marry a stripper, or a hobo, or… or… or my fucking _fridge_, I will, and you can't stop me!" I yelled with a look of utter disbelief on my face.

My father threw _another_ apologetic glance towards the _still_ fucking amused businessman and his obviously bored son. Now _that_'sgot to be a world record for number of times my father has had to wordlessly apologize to someone for my actions.

"Kaeden Colleen Hale you will marry Kyoya Ootori and that is the end of it!" My father angrily spat.

"_No that is not the end of it_! You cannot _make_ me marry this fishcube! Legally, you can't! I refuse!" I threw back.

"Fishcube…?" Kyoya chuckled under his breath.

"What're you laughing at cuntstorm?" I snapped rather harshly. I suppose he's being forced into this as well, I could do to be a _bit_ kinder.

"Well, I feel it's ironic because most girls would _kill_ to marry the likes of me, and when presented with the opportunity, you vehemently reject it." He smirked at me. "Also, your insults are increasingly creative and original, and _quite_ entertaining."

Just fucking kidding, I could do to treat him like the herpes superhighway he is.

Fuck kindness.

"Oh really now, you self-righteous narcissistic bastard? I wouldn't marry you even if you were the _last man on Earth_. I'd become Lesbolord, and be queen of the lesbians before that happens." I glared at the increasingly widening smirk painted on his perfect features.

Did you just…?

He's _not_ perfect, he's a herpes superhighway remember? _Focus_.

"Oh I'm _sure_." He spouted before returning his gaze to his notebook. It was my father who then commanded the spotlight.

"Kaeden, _I swear_, if you reject this marriage…I…I'll…" My father searched for the correct threat, though there wasn't one, because no force on Heaven, Earth, or the Internet could make me marry someone I didn't pick for myself. When he finally found his voice again it came out in a low growl.

"I swear… I'll _disown_ you."

Mildly shocked (and hurt, though I'd _never_ admit that) that he'd go to such extreme lengths to please this business partner of his, I decided to handle this new development with some good old _rebellion_, the only defense mechanism I could muster to hide my current slight vulnerability of having real feelings.

"Whoop _there_ it is. I knew you'd do some pretty crazy things to keep your company on top, but _this_? **_Seriously_**? At least today has been a learning experience for me, right?" I turned to the Ootoris. "Today I learned that the Ootoris are a bunch of sociopathic narcissists," I turned back to my father. "_and_ I learned that _my own father_ values his company over me, his flesh and blood. _Fantabulous_." I let my emotion pour into that last sentence as I bore my gaze into his emotionless eyes, not caring about the spectators I was putting on a show for. I was his _daughter_, not some business asset.

"Kaeden…" his voice softened slightly at the cracked façade I had flashed before recomposing myself. It was a slight slip in my tough character, but it _wouldn't_ happen again.

"I apologize third sun from the Ootori star." (Get it, get it? Ha I think I'm so funny) I sighed, turning back to Kyoya, who was watching me with a disinterested gaze, as if seeing families tearing themselves apart over marriage was a daily occurance, "I will _not_ be your lawfully wedded wife. Not _now_. Not _ever_."

"I _wasn't_ kidding when I said I'd disown you," my father stated, his steely cold attitude returning just as quick as it had dissipated.

"And I _wasn't_ doubting your words," I tossed towards the man I once considered my father. "Alexander, you have _one_ child, and that is your company. Don't come crawling to me when _that_ deserts you too." With that, I left the three men bent on the destruction of my freedom on the back porch and stalked up to my room in order to figure just _what the hell_ I was going to do.


	3. Moving Out

**All right so we got over the two chapter hump. That's good. Now, to continue on with the story! What will Kaeden do now that she kinda just got disowned? Where will she go? What will she do? When will the writer just shut the hell up and continue with the damn story? All will be answered momentarily after this message:**

**Warning: Swearing, sarcasm, stupidity, and ****_severe_**** damage to the fourth wall**

**Disclaimer: I know I probably shouldn't have to say this but I DO NOT have enough money to pay off a lawsuit so: **

**I**

**Do Not Own **

**Ouran High School Host Club**

**Nope**

**Not Me**

**Carry On**

**P.S. The song for this chapter is 30 Minutes by T.A.T.U.**

**Now shut and up and read **

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Am I really leaving?

I looked around my lavish room with a resonating sigh stuck deep in my chest. Regardless of whether or not my family and I have had issues, this was still my home, where I grew up for a majority of my life. It would be sad to say goodbye.

I looked down at my three suitcases packed to the brim with whatever clothes and material goods I could stuff in them.

"I guess I should've been careful for what I wished for!" I said giggling, trying to lighten my mood, remembering the time in the 7th grade when I put down "hobo" as my prospective career. Now that I was actually without a home, I was internally panicking. _Where the hell_ was I going to live?

My first and obvious option was, of course, with Tyler, and although his family wasn't in poverty or anything of the like, he had two younger siblings, a freshly deceased father, and a mourning mother in shock. That kid was a _warrior_, and although I know he'd take me in in a heartbeat, I'd be just another mouth to feed. There's no way I could do that to him and his family. They were kind enough to me as is.

As I raked my eyes for a quadrillionth time searching for some sort of consolation or glimmer of hope, I looked over to a stack of colorful pamphlets and flyers sitting on my desk. In that moment, if light bulbs really did alight over people's heads when they got a good idea, I would have a fucking neon sign lit up like a Christmas tree pointing at my brain decreeing:

"Dis bitch got an idea"

I had a flashback to last year, before starting high school, when Alexander (I refuse to call him my father) and I got into a momentous argument (as we _always_ do *cough* **_did_** over _everything_) over the future of my education. He positively _insisted_ that I attend a prestigious private school intended for the education of the privileged and wealthy.

This was code for a school full of little dramatic and hormonal Alexander clones, and that was something I _really_ didn't need in my life, so, of course, I fought for the ability to be schooled with regular, normal, mentally stable (that fact is questionable) children.

I ended up winning for what seemed to be the first time _ever_ with a rather below-the-belt guilt trip that left a minuscule crack in his impenetrable armor of emotionlessness. I assume he let me have what I want so I'd stop blaming him for my mother's death. Which, by the way, I never will, but _that_ is for another time.

Either way, I ended up getting my wish of attending "commoner" school and was left with many pamphlets detailing school for the wealthy and fake. I _refused_ to have a maid clean my room for me because I'm a stubborn ass, but alas was too lazy to clean some less used parts of it myself, so here, left on my desk for nearly a year, were the pamphlets that would dictate my salvation.

I leafed through the inane number of schools offered, my criteria being the following:

&. I swear to god if there is a mandatory dress code I will _lose it_.

0. It has to be _nowhere near_ California, out of country is best because I never ever want to come into contact with Alexander _ever again_. He can go suck a fuck for all I care.

It has to be in a region where I know that language: those being English, Spanish, Japanese, and some French. _Some_. I'm not fluent, but I do know swear words and how to ask where the bathroom is, which is basically all you need. Right?

I ended up narrowing down to three schools, one in France (hey, like I said I know enough French to get by) and the other two in Japan. I ended up picking a school based on the facts that:

Q. I got real about my French skills- they suck more than a gay pornstar

. One of the schools in Japan was all girl school and although I made a point to Mr. Smiles about becoming queen of the lesbians, I'm not _quite_ sure if the world is ready for Lesbolord yet.

7. The last school is pink. Any school with enough balls to paint their entire fucking building pink is good enough for Kaeden Hale. Whoever picked that color out is _metal as fuck_.

(And yes, I _did_ just make fucking random bullet points because fuck the rules, I'll count with symbols and letters if I want to).

My final decision was narrowed down to an "Ouran Academy." The best part (other than the fact that uniforms were merely a "suggestion") was that it offered merit scholarships, a.k.a. now that I'm essentially a broke hobo I can still get in. I'd collected enough money through "allowances" (bribes for not sabotaging the house while business partners were present) to get me through the plane ride over and at least three months of rent and food if not more if I'm lucky, but I'm sure finding a job wouldn't be _too_ difficult.

I mean who _wouldn't_ want to hire and all-American 5'10" blonde with the cutest blue puppy dog eyes that even a seven year old couldn't beat? Okay, so _maybe_ I'm getting ahead of myself but seriously, there's got to be _someone_ out there willing to hire me.

Making up my mind I called the maids for the first (and the last) time ever to help me haul my bags down the stairs and to the taxi. I turned down the hall to find my father's office door closed and locked. That's _fine_ with me, if he didn't need to say goodbye neither did I. I didn't need to feed his ego by knocking and admitting a need for closure. I had enough closure with the words I left with him on the porch.

As I loaded my stuff into the trunk of the taxi, I turned to look at the house I was once able to call "home."

"I may have had enough closure with my father to leave, but with this house…? I'm not so sure."

I got into the back seat and as I closed the door I heard an ear-shattering BOOM that rocked the Earth's core itself. There was a thick cloud of smoke streaming out of the window that had been attached to my previous bedroom.

"On second thought… I think I'm _content_ with how I left the place." I giggled.

As the taxi pulled away from the curb I stuck my head out the window and screamed "HASTA LA VISTA BABY!" in the direction of my house before the super cool taxi-man cranked up the stereo.

"Oh the irony…" I said to myself, my words drowned about by Icona Pop, before quickly joining in.

"I don't care! I love it!"


	4. The Interview

**Wow Chapter Four already? Who knew not doing your homework could be so productive? This chapter's song: Amazing Life by Britt Nicole.**

**Warning: Swearing, sarcasm, stupidity, and ****_severe_**** damage to the fourth wall**

**Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah I don't own this shit blah, blah.**

**On with the story!**

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I took a deep breath and stared at the large mahogany door in front of me. This was the moment of truth. When I find out if my plan worked, if I would have a place to go, if taking an agonizing **_12-hour_** plane ride next to a screaming child was worth it.

Fuck butterflies. My stomach is housing _rhinoceroses_.

"He says he's ready for you." I nervously smile at the polite secretary before making my way into the principal's office.

I better be on my best behavior for this. That means you filter, don't fuck up. Filter my imagination like your life depends on it, because it _does_.

"Ah! Miss Hale, it is a pleasure to meet you! Please! Have a seat." I hesitantly sat down on the plush couch across from the one the brunet principal was currently occupying. Laid back much? "I understand you made a trip all the way from America to be a prospective student of this school! And… you've also applied for a merit scholarship…?" He raised his eyes questioningly at me. My family name was well known and I could understand his confusion at a child of such a high-ranking family asking for scholarship money.

"Well, it's a _bit_ of a long story Mister Suoh… I was rather hoping we could forget for a moment about my lineage and treat me as an unknown commoner."

Because essentially, that's what I now was.

He gaped at my answer for but a moment before composing himself completely.

"Why of course." So polite. He was always the _one_ business partner of my father's I wouldn't attempt to prank. He wasn't narcissistic and greedy like the others. I liked him. He's chill. I wonder if he remembers me?

He looked down at the portfolio I had worked on on the plane ride over.

Yes. As a matter of fact I _can_ be productive. Best believe it now.

"Well it seems your academics are _impeccable_, especially for one having a commoner's education." Although he had the best intentions, I flinched slightly at that comment. People really do underestimate the power of a commoner.

Damn rich people.

"Why thank you." I impatiently and rather mindlessly said. None of this answered my question.

"Might I ask, what you want to be when you graduate?"

"I'm not really sure, it's a bit too early to decide, but I'm sure the more classes I take the more in tune I will be with my interests, and the more prepared I will be to answer that question when need be." I answered.

Dude, am I in or not?

"If you could be any tree, what tree would you be?"

_Seriously_?

"Hmm… money tree."

"Why?"

Seriously, _more_ questions?

"Because I'd be everyone's favorite tree."

"Ah." He smiled and we just sat in silence for a moment.

JUST TELL MEEEEEEEEE. I MIGHT AS WELL NAME YOU SUSPENSE BECAUSE YOU ARE KILLING ME.

"…" I sat on the edge of my seat as he seemingly searched for the right words for whatever he was about to voice. "Can you estimate for me, how many cows are in Canada?"

"FOR GODSAKES HAVE I BEEN REJECTED OR ACCEPTED PLEASE JUST TELL ME I CAN'T TAKE IT!" I sat back down and attempted to recover from my outburst. "And… for the record… 7 million." I said between pants. I think I used _beyond_ the capacity of my lungs for that little episode.

I then warily watched his reaction, fully realizing that I just full blown _T. Rex roared_ at the man responsible for my admissions. I knew he was a kind man, but seriously, kindness only goes _so_ far.

Please, please, God, Jesus, Tom Hiddleston, _please_ don't let me have pissed this man off!

To my surprise, he started laughing. Not like laughing. Like, **_laughing_**. That's good. _Right_?

Good enough.

Thank you God, Jesus, and Tom Hiddleston. I'll make your sacrifices when I get home. Or, you know, when I _find_ a home.

"Yes, my dear there's no need to worry, there's no way we couldn't accept you." I sighed in relief.

"Thank you so much sir, and um, I… apologize… for… you know… screaming." Apologizing has never been one of my strong points, _but_ I figured this dude holds my future in his hands, better stay in his good graces.

"Oh no, it's fine my dear, I was a bit mean, prolonging the interview and all. And call me Uncle, I insist." He gave me a kind smile before handing me my schedule, which had already been typed up to my surprise.

I had already been accepted previous to this? And he killed me with that interview anyways?

It's _always_ the nice ones that get you…

"Ha. Okay… Uncle…"

"Perfect! Now, down to business." He moved over to sit next to me on the couch and began gesturing to my schedule.

"We examined your previous curriculum a determined we can't really contain you to one class like we usually would with regular students. As you're a native English speaker, and Mathematics is your strong suit, you will attend those two subjects with the third-years in class 3-A. Furthermore Modern Literature will be spent with the second years in 2-A, and Japanese History and Language will be spent with the first years in 1-A, as you have the least experience in those areas. Also, seeing your previous fluency in athletics, we gave you physical education as an elective. If that's not acceptable we can change it."

"NO! I mean, no… I love it! Thank you so much for this!" I looked down at my schedule. I get a redo. Another chance at life. No controlling father. No crazy expectations. Just… me.

I _can't_ believe I'm saying this but… I am actually really excited to start school.

There! I said it! Don't spear me!

I then looked up at "Uncle" with the brightest genuine smile I'd shown anyone in a while.

"When can I start?"


	5. First Friend

**Holy fucknuts fuck I'm back. This chapter's theme song is…**

**Dun dun dah dun!**

**I'm Alive by Becca.**

**Warning: Swearing, sarcasm, stupidity, and ****_severe_**** damage to the fourth wall**

**Disclaimer: The only thing I own are my OCs, they are my bitches. Everyone else I have yet to ****seduce**** I didn't create them. **

**Poo.**

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By Sunday, I was able to find a nice apartment within walking distance of the school. After doing the math, (Inputting food costs – which cost _quite_ a lot considering just how much I eat on a daily basis) I figured I'd made enough in bribes from my father for four months of rent before draining my pocket dry.

_Shit_ I need a job.

_But_… that'll have to wait. It was literally like what? 11:30 at night? _Goddammit_ Tumblr. I blame my lack of both sleep and work ethic on you.

But I mean seriously, school starts at 8, and it's a _loooooonnggggg_ (15 minute) walk from here.

_Ugh I'm going to die._

I guess I did ask for this, but there was no way in hell I was ever going to marry someone my father picked out for me on the basis of furthering his company, let alone that cunt nugget Kyoya.

I tried to clear them from my mind as I lied down and popped in my headphones.

Although I did resent that bastard Ootori, he did get one thing right:

I _do_ love me some good violin.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

**_~That next morning~_**

"**_FUCK_**!" I screamed as I violently launched myself from my bed, oblivious to anything else around me as I scrambled into the bathroom in a hasty attempt to _not_ be late on my first day.

It _would_ be just like you to oversleep your first day to a new school. A new _prestigious high-expectation school_ for the rich and _not_ socially awkward. *clears throat and glares*

You know what, shut the hell up. I don't need your berating, and besides, I'm not late _yet_, I just can't take 300 years on getting ready.

You are currently having an internal argument in the mirror with your reflection instead of getting ready. There's _no way_ you won't be late.

"Shit!" I ended my argument with my conscious early before it turned into a fistfight (can an internal argument turn into a physical brawl?) and put my morning routine on hyper drive before shooting out of the bathroom (with my toothbrush _still_ in my mouth mind you) and wrestled on my favorite black T-shirt with "Cool Story Bro. Tell It Again." slapped across the chest, teal shredded skinny jeans, and of course, my signature ratty converse.

I've just _got _to make a good first impression for the rich kids, you know?

I hastily threw my toothbrush _somewhere_ back in the bathroom before quickly shutting the door.

I didn't even _want_ to know that kind of damage I just did to the bathroom with that entire escapade.

With that, I grabbed my book bag before glancing at the clock.

_Damn_, that was record time.

I booked it out the door in hopes of reaching school before classes start so I wasn't wondering around the school like a drunken broke idiot looking for a Gucci in rural Kansas.

But alas, God did not want to make things easy for me.

As I sprinted down the walkway towards the stairs, someone came waltzing out of their apartment, and I _just so happened_ to **_ram_** into that person so hard we both tumbled down the flight of stairs together.

"Ugghhhhhh…" I heard someone groan. I looked down to see I was sitting on top of a tiny brunette in a purple tuxedo. She really was tiny, probably no taller than 5'1."

It was then that I registered:

You're nine inches taller than she is… and you are currently sitting on her chest…

_Get the hell off of her_!

"OhmygoshIamsosorryIdidn'tmeanitIshouldhavelookedwhereIwasgoingIapologizeI…" my words ran together as I helped her up.

"It's alright, I'm fine," she dusted herself off and straightened her suit thing. "So you're my new neighbor huh? "

"Yup that's me! I just moved in here from America."

"I can tell. _Definitely_ American," She giggled. I made an over exaggerated pouty face. "If you make that face, it's going to get stuck like that. I'm Haruhi by the way."

"Kaeden Hale!" I smiled at who looked to be my first new friend. "Hey is that _really_ your school uniform?" I asked, gesturing to her rather _unique_ get up.

"Yeah, weird huh?"

"I'll say! Where do you go to school anyways?"

"Ouran Academy." She answered.

I gasped comically before bursting out in laughter.

"I _think_ we go to the same school. Big and pink? Home to a bunch of rich bastards?"

"That's the one!" she smiled at me. "I thought I was the only commoner there?"

"Today's my first day." I answered sheepishly. "And I'm really nervous despite my _obviously_ cool exterior." I struck a dramatic pose. I sobered up quickly though. "But seriously, is it weird there?" She laughed and turned to me.

"It's plenty weird, but I think you'll learn to like it there. I mean, I did!" she gave me a kind smile. "Besides, you remind me of someone I know." As I contemplated whom she meant, I looked up to see we had arrived at the school…

and I literally just stopped walking.

Right there.

In the middle of the pathway.

Where people were trying to get to their classes.

Dude.

**_Dude_**.

It was _enormous_. Not like, elephant enormous. We're talking as enormous as my father's ego.

No… we're talking _more_ enormous as his ego.

We're talking _America's debt_ enormous.

Haruhi's voiced snapped me out of the little moment I just had.

"Are you coming or not? Don't want to be late on your first day!" As I ran to catch up with her I noticed a few odds things:

The uniforms were atrocious. If I thought that purple tuxedo (apparently the male uniform) was odd, the female uniforms were literally

Giant

Yellow

Marshmallows

_No thank you_

These giant yellow marshmallows kept looking over at us and whispering. Maybe because I was _not_ wearing a giant yellow marshmallow myself, but seriously, talking behind your hands is _not_ going to change the fact that I look 549% cooler than you.

$. And lastly, if the boy's uniform was a bright purple tux, and Haruhi was wearing a bright purple tux, then, by that logic, Haruhi was wearing a boy's uniform.

"Hey Haruhi?"

"Mmhmm?"

"Why are you wearing a boy's uniform?" she giggled nervously at my question.

"What could you _possibly_ mean by that Kaeden? Why _wouldn't_ I wear a boys uniform?" she stammered. What was she worried about?

"Hey girl I'm not judging you or anything, I'm just saying that if you _really_ didn't want to wear the giant yellow marshmallow, you didn't _have_ to wear the purple pantsuit of death. You could just wear commoner clothes like me."

She turned to give me an odd like before sighing and asking where my first class was. I read off the room number and she lead me down a deserted side hallway before abruptly turning around.

"This might seem weird, but the reason I'm dressed like this is because everyone here thinks I am a boy."

I let that process for a moment before bursting out laughing.

"Wait wait wait… _what_? They think you're a _guy_? How is that even possible? You're adorable, no male could possess the sheer femininity you have!" I said as I sqeezed her cheeks. I saw her blush slightly at my compliment… or possibly it was just her veins delivering blood to the sight of my pinching abuse… I prefer to think she blushed because I don't abuse.

*cough*

_Sometimes_ I don't abuse.

"And anyways, why don't you correct them?"

"Well… you see, it's complicated..." With that the bell rang signaling the beginning of classes. "Oh god! I've got to go, but if you swing by the host club this afternoon I'll explain everything!" She took of running down the hallway in what I assumed to be in the direction of her class, but so many of my questions were left unanswered.

Why is she posing as a guy?

What the hell is a host club?

And _where the fucking hell_ is my classroom?


	6. Cock Whoring Semen Senator

**So I was introduced to "Repo: the Genetic Opera" recently and I've already rewatched it like 9087654 times…**

**It's been four days…**

**Oh lord I think a new obsession is budding.**

**Well, this chapter's song is I Hate Everyone by Go Set Go. **

**Warning: Swearing, sarcasm, stupidity, and ****_severe_**** damage to the fourth wall**

**Disclaimer: **

**No soy dueño de Ouran High School Host Club**

**私は、桜蘭高校ホスト部を所有していない**

**Je ne possède pas Ouran High School Host Club**

**Nie jestem właścicielem Ouran High School Host Club**

**من قرآن دبیرستان باشگاه میزبان خود را ندارد**

**Δεν είμαι κάτοχος Ouran Γυμνάσιο Host Λέσχη**

**Я не являюсь владельцем Оранской старшей школе Хост клуб**

**איך טאָן ניט אייגן אָוראַן היגהסטשאָאָל האָסט קלוב**

**我沒有自己的櫻蘭高中主機俱樂部**

**I do not own the Ouran High School Host Club **

**Get it? **

**Got it?**

**Good.**

**Carry on.**

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"Um… thanks for helping me out sir…" I directed my eyes away from the _very_ busy man whose work I'd halted to help me find just where the hell my classroom was.

This place was like the size of Texas _my fucking god._

"It's no problem my dear. And I thought I said to call me Uncle!"

He directed me to where my later periods would be held before steering me to the door where my first class was to be taught. Or was _currently_ being taught.

I was _hella_ late.

I looked through the window at the _very_ full class of the obviously rich, gorgeous, and privileged.

"Uncle? Maybe its best if I start tomorrow. Or like, _never_." I nervously cracked my knuckles. He clapped me on the shoulder.

"It's just nerves my dear, you'll get over them soon enough! Now, let's introduce you to the class." He gave me a blinding smile that did absolutely nothing to reassure me.

"No! No no no no no no no _nooooooo_…" I groaned as he dragged me into the classroom by my collar, still beaming like a maniac.

Everyone stood and bowed at the principal and I stood quite awkwardly at the front of the classroom, hoping to get over the introductions quickly.

"Class 3-A, please welcome Hale Kaeden, who has come here all the way from America to join this school!"

"Please take care of me," I bowed as I gave the required response in a disinterested monotone. I made to book it to the back of the classroom to grab a corner seat next to the window, away from all civilization and human interaction (well I don't know if the occupants of this school can be considered "human" exactly but…), but was quickly pulled back by my collar by "Uncle."

That man was _quickly_ getting on my nerves.

"Why don't you tell us a little about yourself my dear?" I audibly groaned.

"My name is Kaeden Hale, I am 15 years old, I moved here from California literally like three days ago. _Yes_, that is where Hollywood and L.A. are. _No_, I don't know Jonny Depp, Tom Cruise, or Oprah; so don't ask me to email them for you. I'm good at math and terrible at listening. I hate humanity. I like the Internet. The end." I gave a sarcastic smile and looked back at the bewildered teacher and my "Uncle."

"May I sit down now?"

"Y-yes. You may." Teacher lady stuttered out, still mildly in shock.

I guess you don't get a whole lot of introductions that don't sound like:

"Hi I'm (insert hoe name here), my daddy is the super rich and famous head of (insert brand name company here) and I really like (insert some stupid hobby that _would_ be done by a rich bitch like "going on shopping sprees" or "playing Barbies with real people instead of dolls" here). Please take care of me!" Insert puppy dog eyes and girly voice/hair twirling here.

Ugh. Hoes man.

_Hoes_.

I took my corner seat and pulled out my Gameboy and booted up my Pokémon Sapphire game.

Yes.

I _do_ still play Pokémon.

If you want to judge me I'll go _Pikachu_ on your ass.

As I was about to kick the living shit out of some twelve-year-old wank waffle trainer I met on some distant route, some cunt pipe sitting in front of me turned around and tried to start a conversation.

Can't he see I'm _busy_?

"Hi there Kae-chan! I'm Ho-"

"Don't care." I said absentmindedly as I utterly _destroyed_ the small trainer's last Pokémon, along with all of his tiny hopes and dreams.

Yes. _Yes_. Give me all of your money, child. Don't talk to strangers kid, didn't anyone ever fucking teach you that?

Now pay the fuck up.

I looked up at whoever was trying to get my attention previous to my sweet virtual victory to find it was some eight-year-old holding his stuffed rabbit, who was now seemingly crying to the _giant_ seated next to him.

Isn't this a _senior_ class? Like as in 17 year olds? Because Fag Bike A looks 8, and Fag Bike B looks 27.

What the _actual_ _fuck_ Ouran?

"The fuck?" I muttered under my breath.

I guess I must've sat there with the weirdest look on my face (I'm _quite_ skilled at those) just staring at the two, because the kid went from crying to laughing in about 3.7 seconds.

"Haahaha! You're funny Kae-chan!"

"_Uh huh_." I said skeptically.

"I'm Haninozuka Mitsukuni, but you can call me Honey! And this is Morinozuka Takashi, but you can call him Mori!" He said gesturing to Mister 'Roids.

"Ah." He said in a deep resonating voice.

That was it.

Just "Ah."

Nothing more.

Guess the dude's a monk or some shit.

I was all set to forget about the two weirdoes and return to my game when I was interrupted, _again_.

"You're only 15 right Kae-chan?"

"Yeppidy-do-da. And please, If you're going to _try_ to talk to me, say Kaeden."

He thoughtfully looked at me for a second before letting a bright smile return to his child features.

"Alright Kaeden! If you're 15 why are you in class 3-A?"

"Dude," I looked him up and down, "you're like _8,_ shouldn't_ I_ be asking _you_ the same question?"

At this point monk-man chose to grace our ears with his words.

"Mitsukuni is 17."

My jaw literally unhinged itself and dropped to my toes.

"No. No. Nope. Nah. Nuh uh. _No_. You're fucking me."

"Nope! I'm actually older than Takashi!" I looked up to monk man and back to midget boy, who shot me a beaming smile as he hugged his stuffed rabbit.

The _17-year-old_

sat there

and _cuddled_ his fucking _stuffed rabbit_

in the middle of _math class_.

Fuck

this

school.

"Okayyy then." I tried to go back to my game when I was fucking interrupted.

**_Again_**.

"You never answered my question." I took a deep shaky breath and exhaled, trying to keep my cool and _not_ throttle the kid.

_What_? So _maybe_ I'm willing to murder someone over Pokémon. What's it to you?

"I'm in this class because A: I'm from America; my English is fan-fucking-tastic and B: my math game be strong, so they excelled me in those two areas."

"Oh. That's so cool! Are you a commoner?"

"You could say that…"

I refused to have any connection to that cunt fiddler Alexander, a.k.a "Dad," so yeah; I'm basically a commoner now.

Whoop-dee-fucking-do

"So you're just like Haru-chan!" I perked up at the mention of my first friend, (and first normal person I've met) at Ouran.

"Are you talking about Haruhi Fujioka?" I asked. Do these nutcases really know Haruhi? I wonder if they believe _she_ is a _he_ too.

"Yep! We're all in the Host Club together!" I remembered her parting words from earlier today and was about to ask about said "Host Club" when the bell rang and cut me off.

**_A-fucking-gain_**.

I'm going to _smash_ that thing.

Within 0.3 seconds the entire classroom was empty and I was left to stumble my way through the crowded hallways to my next class.

"Let's just put all of Kaeden's classes on _opposite_ ends of the school." Said Satan and his accomplices, the architects.

I quietly snuck into my next classroom without an issue, as all of the females were crowded around what looked to be two boys (but I couldn't tell as a result of all the estrogen in my way) and all the guys were too busy plotting how to get the girls on _their_ dicks instead of the Mister Populars'.

Needless to say, all of the students in the class were too busy thinking with their genitalia to pay notice to a new addition to their madhouse.

As _Uncle_ was not here to force an introduction out of me, I was hoping to quietly sit through class without a huge hassle.

But it was not to be, and I blame it on my choice to wear _teal_ _skinny jeans_.

Do you know how many people wear teal skinny jeans to school here?

Oh yeah…

_None_.

So understandably, I stood out like an 8-year-old in a senior class.

*cough cough*

Despite this fact, my plan was working rather well until some _blonde piece of herpes cheese_ decided he just couldn't keep his fucking nose out of my fucking business.

"Excuse me sensei, but I believe that we have a new student~!" He said in a singsong voice.

If looks could kill, that kid and everything in a three-mile radius would be nothing but a smoking wasteland of desolation having been blown to smithereens by my mere aura at that moment.

It was not a secret.

I was _pissed_.

"Oh I believe you are correct. I _was_ informed we'd have a new student. Please join us at the front… Miss Hale, is it?"

I groaned and sluggishly made my way to the front of the classroom and glared daggers at the retard that ratted me out, who, for some unforeseeable reason, had decided to walk up to the front _with me_.

Is he _asking_ to die? Because I _can_ arrange it.

"Why don't you tell us about yourself _mon cher~_?" The dildo sheep asked me whilst holding out a rose. I was so enveloped in my thoughts I didn't even realize his attempts to be charming, or his question for that matter.

It was when he took my hand and kissed it that I snapped out of my murder and gore ridden fantasy.

"Are you merely shy _ma beauté_? Please, do not be worried; I would be honored to be graced with your voice, shyness aside, as I am sure it is a gorgeous as yourself."

"_Personne ne prévoit une assassiné à haute voix vous baise bite visage._" I answered icily.

With that, he retreated to a distant corner of the classroom, where I _think_ he started growing mushrooms.

_Alrighty then. _

I think the teacher was 300% done with everyone's bullshit, skipped my introduction entirely, and proceeded to seat me in _the very front_ of the fucking classroom.

All the easier to show you how much attention I'm _not_ fucking paying to you my dear.

"Tamaki, stop being childish and come sit down." I heard a voice call from behind me.

I knew that voice.

That

_Fucking_

Voice.

No no no no no no nonononononoonononononononononoono

**_NOOOOOOOOOOO_**.

I slowly turned around only to come face to face with the _last_ person I wanted to see.

"Yes, hello. I see you've noticed my presence here Miss Hale."

I closed my eyes in disbelief and slammed my head down on the table in front of me, hoping to destroy enough brain cells to constitute memory loss.

"Blow me, you cock whoring semen senator."

"A bit feisty today are we?" Kyoya Ootori smirked at me.

I growled at the object of my hatred and began whispering prayers to God, Jesus, and Tom Hiddleston that when I turned back around he'd be gone.

Alas, someone up there just _wanted_ my life to be a living hell, because when I turned around again, there was his stupid face, _still alive_.

Dammit. I think I need to work on my head imploding skills.

I think I may be a sadist because I was seriously getting off on all the mortifying and grisly ways I'd deform that face of his.

Sweet, _sweet_ bloodshed, oh how I love you.

His ass fruit of a friend moved his ass from the corner of the room and sat down next to him, and it was then I realized that I would have to sit in front of the _both of them_ for the e_ntire _f_ucking_ y_ear._

At that point, I honestly believe that the _only_ thing keeping me sane was imagining slicing everyone's head off with a paper shredder.

Oh joy, school.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

_Mon cher_

My dear

_Ma beauté_

My beauty

_Personne ne prévoit une assassiné à haute voix vous baise bite visage _

No one plans a murder out loud you fucking dick face


	7. Headliner

**So guess the fuck what minions?**

**I got a part in the spring comedy.**

**We're doing ****_Miss Polly's Institute for the Criminally Insane Puts on a Show_**** and the part I got is "Roberta."**

**"Roberta" is described as: tall, intimidating, mean. She also threatens to tear people's faces off. **

**Sound like someone else we know? **

***cough Kaeden motherfucking Hale cough* **

**This chapter's song is….**

**Ta Da!**

**I Have No Creativity by Me!**

**Just Kidding.**

**It's I Don't Care by Fall Out Boy because Kaeden gives zero dicks.**

**Does anyone actually read these author's notes?**

**I have no clue.**

** 3 Hearts to everyone who does (you know who your are and I will find you and hug you) 3**

**If you don't, you can go and fuck yourself sideways and it doesn't matter if you will be offended because you don't read these anyways.**

**Warning: Swearing, sarcasm, stupidity, and ****_severe_**** damage to the fourth wall**

**Disclaimer: It's chapter 7 you know the drill. Dis ain't mah shit. **

**'Cept Kaeden.**

**She mah hoe.**

**Happy reading (and review me dudes/dudettes I love your comments!) :)**

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After a rather _brutal_ class trying to _not_ pay attention to my surroundings as much as possible, the bell rang and I made to get out of that living hell

**_A_**

**_S_**

**_A_**

**_P_**

But fucking _no._

No, my life is _never_ easy.

The minute I bolted from my seat and was nearly out the door, I was surprised to find a certain blonde wanker had materialized in front of me, holding out yet _another_ rose.

_What the fuck_? Does the dude stick them down his pants? Or is he a botanist wizard or some shit? _Where the hell _does he get these things?

"Dude. _Move_. I have places to go and bitches to fuck."

"Such a pretty lady shouldn't let such dirty words fall from such gorgeous lips." He said as he leaned in.

I noticed a few things:

15. The dude smelled like peaches.

Does he fucking wear peach cologne?

Do they even _have_ peach cologne?

%. He had purple eyes.

_ Who the fuck_ has purple eyes?

Not fucking regular people, that's who.

G. The fucker was in my personal bubble.

Not.

Okay.

"You better back the fuck up before you get smacked the fuck up."

"Mon ami I'm afraid I can't detach myself from such beauty..." he leaned in even closer.

I decided I wanted to not only get away from creepo as Usain Boltly possible, but I also wanted him to _stay_ away from me, so naturally my best course of action was to be a bitch.

I grimaced, which he mistook for a smile, and leaned into him. He triumphantly beamed thinking I had given in to his "charms."

Egotistical bastard.

"Yes my princess, let the King take care of you." He breathed dramatically.

There were so many triggers that set me off in that sentence, from his tone to his assumption that _I needed someone to take_ _care of me, _that I was surprised I held it together long enough to implement my plan.

"Could you really take care of me I wonder?" I asked coyly before licking his neck from collarbone to chin like a fucking whore you _would_ find at this school.

He didn't even have time to react before I kneed him right in the moneymaker. _Hard_.

"I gotta get to class Mister Scrotum-curtain, now _leave me alone_. Got it?" I threatened to his withered form on the floor.

What a little bitch.

As I hastily left the room I _think_ I heard softly muffled chuckling coming from the only douche remaining, but I must have been mistaken…

Ootori's don't laugh.

And especially not when their friend (?) has just be kneed in the family jewels (?) by your "ex" (?) fiancé (another fucking question mark (?) because my _entire life_ is questionable at this point it doesn't even fucking matter).

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

I thanked Tom Hiddleston that my next class was my elective because I really, _really_, didn't think that I'd survive another fucking "regular" class period without smacking a bitch.

I walked into the female locker room to change into my athletic clothes, only to find it utterly _deserted_.

"Hellooooooo?" I called out loudly.

No response.

Needless to say I took _immediate_ advantage of the opportunity of having a locker room all to myself.

My music was out and blasting within seconds of my discovery and I was dancing around in only my sports bra and spandex like I was the real fucking slim shady.

Why?

Because I'm a fucking rock star from Mars that's why.

I realized I had been fucking around for _far_ too long and rushed to get fully clothed before entering what had to be the nicest gymnasium (if one could call it that) I'd ever fucking seen.

Literally it was an athlete's _heaven_.

I found myself standing on turf with neat white lines marking boundaries for not only football, but also soccer, with each sport's respective "goals" at opposite ends. There were very expensive looking automatic batting cages lining the far wall.

I peeked into a door to my left to find rows of perfectly polished basketball courts as well as the most well-endowed workout room I'd seen in a while in the door _next_ to it, and an Olympic sized swimming pool in the door next to _that one._

Fucking rich people.

My high school didn't even have a gym. We went fucking old-school and played capture the flag in the mud.

If it rained (which it seldom did in southern California), you better have brought a coat and a change of clothes, or else you were _shit outta luck._

After I'd finished my gaping, I found myself wondering _where the hell_ the rest of the class was, only to have my question answered by following some lonely straggler through a _fourth_ door outside.

And then my jaw dropped.

_Again_.

Literally _on top_ of all of the athlete's toys indoors were perfectly manicured fields for every sport a rich and overly privileged high schooler could want.

I guess some douche decided:

"Hey, instead of feeding the hungry malnourished children in third-world countries, let's build a fucking playground for kids who probably won't use it and/or appreciate it."

I fucking hate rich people.

I jogged in late to the group gathered around a burly teacher in the middle of the baseball field and tried to blend in without success.

"Newbie! Front and center!"

I looked around as if I didn't hear anything.

What was that? Are you talking to _little old me_? Nope. I didn't hear anything.

I just wanted to start the class, nix the introductions. It's not that fucking hard I'm not asking for _that_ much!

But alas, before long, the circle had shifted so _I_ was in the center next to Mister Man, the P.E. tyrant.

"Oh. You're a girl." He blinked stupidly.

Geez, I know most P.E. teachers aren't the brightest, but you would think a school with enough money to _rule a small country_ would be able to afford instructors that had IQs that exceeded the _single digits_.

"Yes. I am." I responded rather sarcastically, because between the long hair, makeup, or you know, _mounds of fat attached to my chest_, one should _probably_ be able to identify my sex and not be surprised.

"No no. I mean, we don't usually, if _ever_, get girls in this class."

"Oh...wait, why?"

"They're _girls_. Girls watch sports, not play them," some douche stated. I looked for him in the crowd and decided that I was going to kill him if he showed his face.

"Excuse me sir, what units do we have?" I asked in my sweet, innocent little-girl voice.

"…well, football, boxing, wrestling, baseball, soccer, basketball. The usual, but you don't have to participate at all. In fact I think it'd be best if you transferred out, the guys here can be a bit…rough, and I would hate for you to get hurt."

And I was silently fuming at his comment, the fucker who first spoke stepped out, and boy did he look like a tool.

His square frames sat on his pointy nose like he owned the fucking place, and his long brunet hair hung around his face, making him look like an ugly chick. In his left hand he held a…what is that? Is that a _notepad_?

Who the hell brings a _notepad_ to _P.E_.?

_Definitely_ a tool.

"Yeah girly. Wouldn't want you to_ break a nail_ now would we?" He mocked.

_That's it,_ the boxing unit starts early.

"What's your name?" I asked as I struggled to keep my voice level.

"I, sweetheart, am Kotmatsuzawa Akira, Editor-in-Chief of Ouran's Newspaper Club. And _you_ are…?" He asked condescendingly.

I was fed up with his egotistical sexist bullshit and drove my fist through his front teeth.

"_I_ am your new headliner, **_sweetheart_**."


	8. What the Fuck is a Host Club?

**So we had standardized testing last week and I wanted to rip someone's face off. **

**Joy.**

**On a less violent note, thank you to everyone who has reviewed, followed, and favorited me!**

**You guys are more awesome than a flying rainbow fire-breathing narwhale with a chainsaw horn in armor on ecstasy being ridden by Tom Hiddleston. **

**And that's pretty fucking awesome. **

**Anywhore today's song is Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana. **

**I apologize; today is a rather long chapter (suck it up because I love long chapters and you should too because we are now **_**one**_**)**

**I blame it on those goddamn fucking yellow puffy marshmallow atrocities…and the dresses those hoes wear are pretty awful too.**

**Warning:-Swearing-sarcasm-stupidity-**_**severe-**_**damage-to-the-fourth-wall-ya-da-ya-da-ya-da-ya-disclaimer:-ouran-is-not-my-creation-though-I'm-awesome-enough-that-it-could-be-now-shut-the-fuck-up-and-read-bitches**

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I had spent lunch hiding out on the roof before I was ratted out by the janitor who'd seen me scale the fire escape after hauling ass out of P.E. class.

I was now getting my ass chewed by a particularly red-faced Principal Suoh.

Fucking janitors always fucking me over and getting me in trouble for punching bitches`.

"Miss Hale! Do you understand why I am upset?"

"Not entirely."

"You physically assaulted another student."

"He was being a sexist and misogynistic pig."

"…Nonetheless, you cannot punch the lights out of students in Physical Education class."

"So are you saying that I _can_ punch the lights out of students in _other_ classes?"

"No! You cannot punch _any_ students' lights out in _any_ class."

"But _why_. He said I should transfer out so I wouldn't break a _precious nail_! He deserved it!"

"…Be that as it may… we are essentially running a business here. We will not get a very good reputation if we have students punching other students' lights out. Therefore, because you are the daughter of a family friend, I will give you a second chance. But if I hear about you punching any students' lights out, I regret to inform you that you will be expelled."

"What?! No! Come on!" I complained.

It was then that I finally fully processed his words. "And wait… family friend… you remember me?"

The principal I had just been receiving a scolding from gave me a warm smile.

"You may have been young the last time I met you and your father, but I never forget a face! Back on topic, let me sum it up: you + fighting = expelled. Get it?"

"Got it," I groaned.

I got up and crossed the expansive room to the large doors blocking me from my route to my last class, which I was _once again _late for, but as I reached for the door handle I was stopped.

"Kaeden?"

I turned to give a questioning look to the man who'd just so casually used my first name.

"I know your dad may have a few rough patches, but please don't rule him completely out of your life. He does care about you, he just isn't great with emotions."

I started towards him angrily, but before I could retaliate with a snarky response commenting on his _obvious_ lack of an ability to judge character, he simply held up the folder containing my black marked permanent record, reminding me of my warning and the corresponding punishment.

_Dammit_.

I glared at him and left for class to the sound of his triumphant chuckling.

What the hell does _he_ know about my father? And who the hell did he think he was to be able to lecture _me_ on _my_ choices?

Christ I just wanted to sleep.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

As I strolled in late to class, I _really_ wasn't in the mood to do any introductions at that point, so I ignored the teacher when he tried to catch my attention and wordless walked to an empty seat in the back. The teacher, who I am very sure could've cared less at that point, wanted class to be over as much as the rest of us and returned to his lesson plan without a second glance to me.

I put my head down and the desk and tried to get some much needed shut-eye.

Key word: _tried_.

Key phrase: _tried and failed_.

This was resultant of two syphilis-zoos sitting in front of me who decided that it would be a good idea to try and talk to me.

"Hey."

"…" I neglected to _give a fuck_ about whoever was talking to me and ignored them.

"Kaoru why isn't she saying anything?"

"I don't know, maybe she's dead."

"She's not dead, just rude."

"Yes. Much rude. Very offense," I said groggily as I nodding in agreement to the second voice's statement, my head still on the table. Hopefully that would get them off my back because I really _really_ just wanted to sleep.

"Maybe she just needs some… convincing…" I heard the first voice trail off.

I glanced up to see what they were up to and found myself face to face with clones. Literally:

Face

To

Face

Well… face to face for a _moment_…before I screamed and fell backwards in my chair and crashed to the floor.

I rubbed the back of my head where it hit the ground.

"Dammit, I knew I was going to die because of my clumsiness! I fucking _knew_ it!"

"Um… are you okay?" Clone Uno asked carefully.

"What kind of idiot falls off their chair?" Clone Dos said.

As I got up to hit Clone Dos (obviously forgetting my lecture from mere minutes ago about no fighting) I heard another, thankfully familiar, voice call my name.

"Kaeden? Is that you falling over and breaking things?"

"Haruhi?!" I asked excitedly.

I saw her poke her head around the freaks of nature and in that moment I was so beyond happy you don't even know.

"Haruhi! Dude! You're here! In this class! With me! I'm not alone!" I pounced on her and gave her a huge bear hug. "Thank god there is at least one sane person in this madhouse!"

"Woah, Haruhi, do you know this clutz?" Clone Dos asked.

"Yeah. We're neighbors. She's the only other commoner (and sane person)" I heard her mutter quickly under her breath, "that attends Ouran."

"Oh so you're a commoner?" asked Clone Uno.

"Yessiree," I responded, retardedly flashing a huge grin. I turned to Haruhi in hopes of decoding some of the day's craziness.

"You'll never believe the day I've had..."

Then the bell rang.

Fuck that bell in the ass.

Fuck it sideways.

Inside out.

Upside down.

In the bathroom.

With an alligator coated in spikes because that bell is a cocksucking whore.

You hear that bell?! You inbred piece of semen-melon!

I was so caught up with mentally insulting the bell I didn't even hear Haruhi.

"I'm sorry Haruhi, what'd you say?"

She sighed at my inattentiveness but repeated her words nonetheless. "I _said_, if you want, you can come to the Host Club today. We could talk there and I'll explain the whole situation from this morning and then we could walk home together."

I contemplated her offer and realized the only better thing to do was go home and clean up the mess I made this morning in my frantic scramble to get ready for school.

Decisions decisions: clean… go hang with cool sane person… clean… go hang with cool sane person…

I decided to go hang with cool sane person.

Shocker

"That sounds fantastic!" I noticed Clone Dos glaring daggers at me as I answered Haruhi, and I stuck my tongue out at him as he left. "What's their deal?"

"Oh just ignore them. They're goofballs."

"Can do Captain Haruhi! Now, what is the Host Club anyways? I met some third years who were also apparently in it as well."

"In the words of the 'King:' "The Ouran Host Club is where the school's handsomest boys with too much time on their hands entertain young ladies who also have way too much time on their hands.'" She recited sarcastically.

"Soooo…. You guys are hookers."

She gave me a weird look before bursting out in uncontrollable laughter. I tried to imagine the two third years (what were their names? Giant and kiddo?) in corsets, fishnets, and _way_ too much makeup. Basically cliché hookers

I then proceeded to laugh uncontrollably.

Heh.

They're funny hookers.

"No no nothing like that. We just sit around and talk to girls all day. It's not that bad. And you must have met Mori-senpai and Honey-senpai. They're also in the host club."

"Those two are weird as _fuck_. And sitting around and talking to girls all day sounds like torture. 'Oh Haruhi tell me I'm pretty.' 'Do I look fat in this dress Haruhi?' 'Oh Haruhi! My daddy is so mean! He bought me a _burgundy_ Ferrari rather than a _crimson_ one!'" I began mimicking a high-pitched female voice I would associate with some of the basic bitches I had met that attended this school. She continued laughing as we walked through the halls before coming to a stop in front of a pair of white double doors. I read the plaque with the room's name on it.

"Music Room #3? Are you guys secretly a band or something?"

"No," she chuckled, "I don't know why they choose this room to be honest. I stumbled through here not to long ago looking for a place to study and… the rest is history."

I followed her through the doors, only to be met with a blinding white light and… the fuck? Are those… _rose petals_?

"Welcome," I heard a group of voices call.

"Oh, it's just Haruhi and… Kae-chan?" I heard a voice say.

"It's Kaeden!" I growled. Still trying to regain vision in my eyes and peeling petals of my person. Whoever I had corrected (the baby-face third year I assume) whimpered.

"Well, sorry to disappoint you all," Haruhi said sarcastically.

"No no! Daddy is always happy to see you!"

_Oh god not him_.

I looked up to find that blonde bitch from my second year classes suffocating a very unhappy looking Haruhi.

"Yo! Hands-off home girl before I give you a _reminder_ of what we learned in class today." I called out to him referring to the _present_ I gave his family jewels.

"What? Why is she here?! Haruhi did you let _her_ into our sacred home?!" Tamaki whined from behind Haruhi.

"She's my friend, senpai." Haruhi said matter-of-factly, removing him from her.

"H-Haruhi… I forbid you to hang out with this... this… delinquent! She'll sully you! You should've seen what she did to Daddy today! Mommy, you saw! Don't let her corrupt my sweet daughter!" He shouted, cuddling Haruhi closer.

She got fed up of his whiney attitude pretty damn quick because in less than a minute she had hit him over the head, scolded him, and he was now sitting in his emo corner like a little bitch.

"Daddy? Mommy? Daughter? Haruhi what's going on here…?" I trailed off with a confused chuckle, completely lost.

"I'm afraid we don't have time to answer your questions ma'am, as the Host Club is about to begin. I'm also afraid you don't have an appointment…" A steely voice stated. I slowly turned around to face who'd had spoken, almost to the point of shaking.

No. _Fucking_. Way.

He just had to make it worse though, didn't he?

"Look what the Host Club's little dog dragged in," He continued. I found myself facing a very smug looking Kyoya, and I was so ready to give him a piece of my fist mind when I remembered Principal Suoh's warning about fighting.

I took a deep breath and went to my happy place.

Happy place~ Happy place~ Dismembering Kyoya in my happy place~

"Oh hush Kyoya-senpai, she can sit with me today, that's why I invited her after all."

"At least _she_ likes me, unlike all of you crazies." I muttered pointedly.

"S-she?" sputtered out a surprised clone uno. I then remembered that Haruhi was thought to be a guy so I quickly back peddled.

"No no! I meant he! _He_ likes me, unlike you crazies. Sorry I know a girl named Haruhi and mixed up the names and well, you know…" I answered frantically, hoping I hadn't screwed anything up for her.

Everyone left out an audible sigh of relief to my surprise, and before I could fully understand just what the actual fuck was happening in this wacked out Host Club, the door open and horde of what was obviously fangirls flooded in.

Within thirty seconds the room was swamped with bitches and hoes producing so much estrogen you could choke on it.

After regaining my ability to _breathe_, I found that the hosts and their "clients" were separated into small groups around tables.

First I saw the clones over the far right. They seemed to just be talking with the girls until Clone Uno began to fall over in his chair like I had earlier today. Then Clone Dos caught him and they had some weird lovey-dovey bullshit moment.

He was a dick when I fell over earlier but now…

"Oh Hikaru, you saved me!" Clone Uno exclaimed from his position in the other clone's arm.

"Kaoru, you know I will always catch you when you fall." Clone Dick Dos replied, his face far too close to be anything innocent.

Then all the girls squealed like orgasming pigs.

Only

Much

_Much_

_**Much **_

Louder.

I clutched my ears as they viciously _bled_ and made my way closer to the back of the host room, where I found the weirdo third years from space.

The little kid was basically stuffing as much cake in his mouth as physically possible (and then some), and his partner in crime, the Silent Giant, just sat there watching. No words. No expressions.

I hypothesize that the dude is a robot and is silent until the point when an answer to a question is absolutely necessary, to which his response will either be "Ah" or "Yes/no."

Simple, easy, straight to the point. Big enough to kick your ass to Jupiter and back.

I respect Silent Giant.

I moved on from the _inhuman_ display of cake-eating skills to find bitch-boy serenading a few dim females with _**literally**_ the most generic answers ever.

"Tamaki-senpai, what's your favorite color?"

"The one that reminds me of your sparkling eyes of course my dear~."

"Oh Tamaki-senpai! What' your favorite food?"

"I love anything so long as you feed it to me darling~."

I suppressed the urge to groan and _failed_. How does one even tie their shoes in the morning if they are dumb enough to swoon over his _obviously_ nonspecific and inter-changeable answers?

Oh wait;

Rich people don't tie their own shoes.

I heard the distant *clack* of computer keys and turned to find Mister Cocksucker wasting his life away on his laptop.

Heh. He's probably watching gay porn.

Ha. Gaayyyyyyy.

I left all of the fucking maniacs in lieu of hanging with Haruhi. I plopped down on the couch next to her and absentmindedly put my arm around her shoulder while half-listening listening to her conversation with her clients half daydreaming. Not before long, I was being poked in my ribs.

"Ow. Haruhi what the hell!" I complained and poked her back just as hard.

"Hey! Be mature they are asking you a question." She reprimanded. I grumbled at her end to my fun but immediately turned my attention to the young ladies seated in front of me. They may be wearing those hideous contraptions they call a "uniform" here, but nonetheless, by my overhearing of their conversations with Haruhi, they seemed to have the most sense of any of the girls in attendance.

At least they were polite and _didn't_ squeal like farm animals climaxing.

"What can I help you young ladies with today?" I asked politely with a smile. They hadn't done anything to evoke my wrath _yet_, therefore I could afford to be chivalrous.

"Oh… um…" One girl stammered, flushed pink. What's wrong with her? Is she sick?

The girl to her left carried on for her.

"We just wanted to know a little bit about you Kae-san."

"First off, please, call me Kaeden, and as for your question: what would you like to know?"

"For starters… are you and Haru-chan dating?"

I evaluated our position and realized I had my arm around her shoulders and my other hand sitting on my lap, dangerously close to her own. I guess years of public schools with douchbags desensitized me to physical contact. Huh.

"No, we are just good friends. Besides, who knows if I even swing that way, right?" I answered with a wink. Eh, might as well have some fun while I'm here.

"W-what do you mean Kaeden?" A girl to my left asked timidly.

At this, I watched her with hooded eyes and wrapped my other arm around the girl's waist and pulled her closer to me before whispering, "Well my dear, women can be _so_ alluring you see~." I pulled back to gauge her reaction, wondering if I had acted well enough to make her believe it.

By her rose flushed cheeks and stuttered words, I can assume I was just _born_ for the stage.

We moved on from our slight lesbo moment and continued our conversations, the girls continuously blushing as I caught them continuously staring at me.

Kae-bae's got da _moves_.

I mostly asked questions of the guests because A. Girls _love_ to talk about themselves, and B. I _do not_ want to talk about myself.

So if both statements are true… am I therefore not female?

Boom paradox.

I checked the time and quickly realized that I had spent almost over an hour fraternizing with "the enemy," (la rich hoes), but I also realized that the small group I had acquainted actually had good heads on their shoulders (unlike many of our other guests, which I had the unfortunate plight of having to overhear). Though, they did pick Haruhi for a host instead of say, Clonecest or "Alien Cake Eating Boy" which was a sure sign of at least mild intelligence.

It wasn't long before Dildotree closed up the club and wished the ladies, "a safe travel home and swift return, for we, at the Host Club, are awaiting your return."

I flopped down on the couch waiting for Haruhi to finish whatever business she had before leaving when Clone Dos approached me.

"What're _you_ still doing here?"

"Me?"

"Yes you. Who _else_ would I be talking to?"

"Well, fucknut, I'm waiting for Haruhi for your information."

"Haruhi doesn't need _you_. She has us, and we're all she ever needs."

"She?" I raised my eyebrows. I guess I wasn't the only one in on the secret.

"What? No! I said he! Are you deaf or something!?" He yelled in a panicked state.

"Dude, slow your roll. It's fine. I am indeed aware that Haruhi has a vag."

He flinched at my word choice but nonetheless began his interrogation.

"How did _you_ find out?" he demanded.

I threw him my best I-do-not-give-a-fuck look and simply answered:

"Experience."

"What does that mean? Do you mean that you saw her change or something?!"

"You _could_ say that. _Or_ you could say that we both "changed" into our birthday suits and played the scissor game." I replied with a grin as I began to make scissor signs with my fingers and smash them together. It was obvious these fags were _way_ too into Haruhi.

The look on Clone Dos's face was beyond priceless. It was like the look one would emit after finding a dead body in their house, only to realize that dead body was their mother and father sewn together. (Ciel Phantomhive say whaaattt).

Needless to say it was a look of utter disgust, confusion, and absolute terror.

"T-the s-scissor game?" I turned around to see an absolutely livid Tamaki and Clone Uno in absolute shock; Mori and Kyoya simply sported wide eyes, and Honey had absolutely no idea what I was implying.

"What's the scissor game Kae-ch- I mean Kaeden?" Honey asked innocently before Mori dragged him away from the inappropriate conversation before I could start, but I continued with my explanation nonetheless.

"Well senpai, the scissor game is game that two girls play when they-" I was sharply cut off by Haruhi's appearance from the changing rooms and Tamaki's immediate reaction.

"Haruhi sweet daughter please tell me you did not partake in this sinful "scissor game" that _convict_ was describing! Did she ruin your chasity?! Don't you worry dear daughter, Daddy will get revenge on the criminal who deflowered you! I'll get her booted out of Ouran faster than you can even say "_scissor_!"" He ranted as he clutched her.

"Woah, calm down senpai. What are you even going on about?"

"Kaeden here was just implying that you two engaged in lesbian sex." Kyoya stated bluntly.

"Real mature Kaeden. No senpai, we did not "_engage in lesbian sex_.""

"Haruhi! Does what we did really mean that little to you? I thought it meant something!" I half-heartedly sniffled before chuckling, "Well, the effect was hilarious while it lasted."

"See! I knew that my sweet Haruhi wasn't engaged in such scandalous activities! She doesn't even like girls like that anyways! What was I thinking, getting so worked up over that…" Tamaki trailed off as he reassured himself.

"Actually senpai, I technically _can_ like girls in that way."

"Haruhi, you're a l-lesbian?!" Clone Dos exclaimed.

"No I never said that." She replied simply. Everyone gave her slightly confused looks before she was prompted to continue. "I'm pansexual."

"What?! Are you attracted to pans? Is that it? I knew years of forced work in the kitchen would have an ill effect on my darling daughter! We need to get you reintegrated into society as soon as possible before you fall into a crippling cookware addiction!" We all sat in stunned silence at Tamaki's outburst. I'm 97% sure I lost roughly a trillion brain cells from that.

"Tamaki! What the _actual_ fuck man? I know you are stupid and all but… seriously? Pansexual means gender and orientation don't matter when it comes to who you're attracted to. Get it together. "Attraction to pans" where the fuck did that even come from?" I ranted exasperatedly.

Fucking rich kids.

"Thank you for that vivid explanation Kaeden. Yes, I am Pansexual. I thought I had explained to you multiple times that gender doesn't matter."

"Yo bro 'five me!" I said holding out my hand. She neglected to react so I took her hand and forced it to high-five my own. "I'm pan too. We can be pan-pals."

With that, Haruhi sighed and said her goodbyes to the shocked host club before they recovered enough to begin any interrogations or shit and dragged me out of the school towards our apartments.

"Pan-pals? Really?"

"Yeah, kind of like pen-pals but with sexuality instead of letters."

"That makes no sense."

"Do you know what else makes no sense? Yawns. No one questions those little fuckers though."

"Yawns and "pan-pals" are two entirely different things."

"Not really."

"Yes. Really."

"That's your opinion."

"Fine."

"Fine." I pouted.

"…Although Pan-pals-" I started on another argument before I was stopped by a sudden thought. I turned to her with a Cheshire grin on my face.

"Haruhi~."

"Oh god... What?"

"You never did tell me exactly why you pose as a male in a club of hoes for hoes."

"Oh, well it's rather a long story… would you want to come in and talk about it over tea perhaps?" She offered as we reached the door to her apartment.

"I would _love_ that!" I gushed as I took off my shoes and plopped down on the floor.

I waited patiently (believe or not) as she prepared the tea, but the minute she handed my cup to me I set it down and stared at her intensely.

"Now _**spill**_."


	9. Troublemaker

**La la la I need to write to get my brain off how much I hate everyone.**

**I hope you guys like the story so far; I know it's rather slow moving but one of my pet peeves is when people write stories that don't have any build-up or explanation or cause/effect chains at all. It's as if some sort of motherfucking miracle happened all of a sudden shit's happened. Like:**

"**She walked into the host club on her first day"**

**and then literally **_**two lines**_** later it's like:**

"'**I love you' cooed Kyoya as he held her in the rain." **

**Like WTF?**

**When?**

**How?**

**Why?**

**^^^ Sorry, rants ^^^**

**Anyways I promise to add more action in, and I have some ideas that I hope to incorporate to make the story absolutely fucking hilarious.**

**Le song es Troublemaker by Haezer, because in all honesty, Kaeden described in one word? **

**Show me some love and follow/favorite me. And review me **_**please**_**! I love to hear what you guys have to say. (I apologize for not responding to those who have reviewed me, but I just want all of you to know that I adore you and your kind comments and if I ever see you irl I **_**will**_** glomp you! Thank you so much for reviewing!) **

**Warning: I fucking swear a fucking lot and I'm fucking sarcastic as fuck and if you can't fucking deal with that bullshit, then you can go suck a fuck, got it you fucking bitch boats? **

**Disclaimer: The extremely polite and articulate author of this piece of fan-created writing would like to inform you, her dedicated and absolutely stupendous readers, that she does not indeed have ownership over the sensational "Ouran High School Host Club" or it's characters, but does in fact have rights over her equally sensational original characters like "Kaeden." **

**Please enjoy**

**Or not**

**I don't give a solid fuck.**

**(Yes I actually do; please love me)**

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Haruhi had just finished recounting her riveting story dictating her past riddled with death, despair, betrayal, clumsiness, and stupid rich kids.

Mostly clumsiness and stupid rich kids, but when she spoke of her mother, I felt a connection I'd never encountered before.

Sure, I'd loved, and lost, countless people, and there was always someone to pick me up. But the way Haruhi described her mother, I felt… what was that word…

Understood.

"Wow… that's intense."

"Not really. I just have to work off my debt. It won't take too long."

"Geez, Kyoya is a bigger douche than I'd originally thought. If I still had the money, I'd help you pay it off…" I trailed off, contemplating her our situations.

"Now, it seems that you knew Kyoya previous to today's encounter, and, by the statement you just made, I'd assume your first meeting was a result of your social status that is no more, so I now suggest that _you_ share your own story." I gawked at her in complete surprise.

"You know, you're going to make _one hell_ of a lawyer some day. If I ever get arrested I know who _I'm_ calling." I replied jokingly, hoping to avoid the conversation she was forcing me towards.

She rolled her eyes at my silly statement but thanked me nonetheless before demanding in a tone mimicking my own just moments before: "Spill."

And, while I would have refused in most instances (my past being a _very_ touchy subject), I felt completely safe with her, a feeling I hadn't felt with anyone except Tyler; but I'd left him behind in California, along with my vow to never return.

With that thought, I decided I needed _someone_ to trust so far away from home, and began recounting my own story.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

"Kaeden! Wake Up!" I heard the talking gummy food in the shape of a bear yell.

What was that Mister Duck? Mister Gummy Bear is on crack?

Figures.

I flew under the cloud that was home to the Kingdom of the male models and cute baby animals on my magical dragon named Paco that spat lava and skittles and waved hello to Michael Jackson as he sung "Crazy Train" before realizing something very odd.

_Michael Jackson doesn't sing crazy train. _

With that fact under my belt I realized my magical dragon's name was actually Mullet, not Paco, and that this was all a dream.

"Kaeden~!" Mister Gummy Bear said again.

"Fucking _whaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttttt_?" I groaned almost incoherently.

"Wake up!"

I bolted upright at the sound of Mister Gummy Be- ah, Haruhi, yelling in my ear, and realized I was not in my wreck of an apartment, but in fact passed out on her floor.

I wiped my mouth and… was I drooling? _Really_?

Then again, those male models _were_ covered in chocolate…

I set aside my thought of sexiness and food in lieu of focusing on what Haruhi was saying, but my brain was not processing fast enough to fully comprehend her words.

"Wait… slow down… speak slow and soft… use small words… I'm basically a hung-over heroin addict when I wake up."

Haruhi sighed at my inability to operate normally in the morning.

"Kami Kaeden, how do you even function in your first hour?" I looked at her pointedly.

"Duh. I don't."

I quickly realized that I was no longer in my school clothes, but rather a short pair of sleep shorts and a camisole.

I picked at the camisole and threw Haruhi a questioning look.

"Oh, you must not remember you were so tired. You woke up at like 3 a.m. and tried taking off all of your clothes because you were uncomfortable, so I found you some of my dad's stuff to wear. Sorry if it's weird, but I figured it'd be better than your school clothes."

"Nah it's all good, thanks a bunch actually, but this is your _dad's_ stuff?"

"Yeah; he's a tranny."

"… for real?"

"Yep."

"…that's… that's… that's AWESOME! When can I meet him?!"

"He's actually at work, he had to cover a late-shift last night and this morning, but he should be home tonight."

"Yes! I get to meet Haruhi's dad~ I get to meet Haru-" I jumped up from my spot on the floor excitedly only to quickly come crashing back down as my joints and muscles screamed in protest. _Someone_ doesn't like sleeping on the floor~.

"Aw fuck that _hurt_." I said as I tried to work out the painful kinks and knots in my back.

"That's your _own_ fault for sleeping on my floor." I shot her a glare at the truth of her words.

"Ughhh but it _hurts_." She sighed heavily at my whining.

"If you want, I could help you. I learned how to properly massage because my dad's job is hard on him and he always comes home tired and stressed." She offered.

"Haruhi. You are the best daughter. Person. Lawyer. Friend. _Ever_."

She chuckled as an almost untraceable pink colored her cheeks lightly from my compliment. "Thank you. Now get over her before I revoke my offer."

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"Haruhi… my god where did you learn this?" I asked breathily as she sat on my lower back and skillfully worked out the painful points in my back and shoulders.

"I told you- I kind of taught myself… I practiced on myself to perfect my technique in order to get good at it. It really helps relieve stress." She stated matter-of-factly as she switched her focus to different point near my neck.

"God, you have to teach me this!" I melted into the floor as I felt my problems literally evaporate. "Anytime I try something on myself it doesn't turn out nearly as good!" I ended my sentence in a squeaky moan as she applied pressure to a particularly troublesome point, unraveling the tightly wound tension seated there.

"That's because you have to properly learn how to use your fingers. There's a certain way you can manipulate muscles and pressure points to really give you the best experience."

"Christ, you should make a business out of this."

"Haha no thanks. I'd rather _not_ have to touch naked people I don't know as my primary source of income." She chuckled.

"Suit yourself but can I, at least, stay your customer? Because _seriously_, this is the best I've ever had."

"Only if you promise not to tell the host club. They'd all-"

She was abruptly interrupted as I found the entire host club in front of us in mere seconds, the idiot "king" front and center.

"All object to such scandalous activities! Daddy is here to save you, my sweet Haruhi, from whatever illicit and immoral act this hoodlum is forcing you into! I'm so sorry I wasn't here to protect my sweet daughter's innocence and I promise to avenge-" he was quickly cut off as I threw the pillow from under my head at his stupid face and hit my target dead-on.

For a moment, I was confused, but quickly re-evaluated our conversation (and position for that matter- Haruhi was still sitting on me and we are both in our pajamas) from the point of view of a few _eavesdropping host members_ with absolutely no context.

_Now_ I get it.

"What are you even going on about senpai? And why are you trespassing in my apartment?!" She got off me and yelled at her retreating senpai before directing her anger towards the other members.

"W-we just thought-" Clone Uno started.

"_Pan-pal~"_ I cooed as I got up off the floor and threw my arm around Haruhi's shoulder, sparing a glance to a distressed Tamaki now hiding out in her storage closet doing god knows what.

"A group of certain rude, ill-mannered, peeping toms heard our conversation out of context and were convinced that we were- how did _Cock-ya_ put it yesterday? Ah yes- _'engaging in lesbian sex.'_" Kyoya glared at my play on his name and Haruhi turned to glare at the peeping toms in question.

"Is this true?"

"Well…" Clone Uno rubbed the back of his neck.

"Not really…" Clone Dos continued.

"Basically." Kyoya stated bluntly, once again buried in his notebook. What's he writing in there?

I can only imagine…

"_Day two of Kaeden's bullshit: host club convinced of Kaeden Hale's involvement in homosexual coitus with Haruhi Fujioka- confuted" _

"Well _sorry_ to disappoint. We understand you burst in here hoping for a show, but _alas_…" I grinned at their cherry faces.

"I didn't know what you were doing Kae-chan… I thought you guys were eating some really yummy cake…" Mister Alien Cake Boy - Honey – cast his giant-puppy-dog-caramel eyes in my direction, but I'd dealt with enough evil cute kids during my trip to Oakland to know to never trust those eyes.

Once you've been robbed blind by enough of those innocent eyes, they stop looking innocent and start looking like "time to fucking bail and _not_ get shanked behind a ratchet Wal-Mart."

"Uh-huh." I nodded skeptically, "Because you _massage_ cake."

"_Tamaki I swear to kami, if you are growing mushrooms in my closet_…!" Haruhi yelled in the direction of the blonde behind her without breaking her glare with the group her warning left hanging. "And another thing-"

A little blonde head poked out from behind the door to her storage closet.

"Yes my daughter? Are you ready to apologize? Because, if so, Daddy is ready to accept your apology because he loves you and knows that we all makes mistakes but you must never see that punk Kaeden ever again! And…" He rambled, only stopping when he realized that Haruhi was far from the grateful state he'd anticipated after he so _graciously_ accepted her _nonexistent apology_.

Instead, said girl was emitting an aura that was poisonous enough to lay waste to an entire fucking national park.

She

Was

_**Pissed**_.

"_Senpai_…" she started dangerously, her voice shaking with fury. The entire host club (myself included, mind you) gave the angry girl some space, and by that I mean we backed up to the furthest possible corner of the room.

"You can't just come _barging_ into people's homes eavesdropping and making inappropriate and baseless accusations! And further more, _you_ are _not_ my father."

I nearly choked on my spit as she spoke with amounts of iciness and venom I wasn't sure someone as kind as her could produce.

This kid is in some

Deep

Fucking

Shit.

Heh. I wonder if I can mutilate the leftovers when she's done.

Tamaki stared at her wordlessly for a few moments before breaking out in melodramatic sobs and crawling his way over to Kyoya.

"Mommy, help me! Our daughter is angry with me! Mothers and daughters always communicate great, please talk to her!"

"Wait wait wait wait _wait_- hold up. _Kyoya_ is 'Mommy?'" I burst out in uncontrollable laughter before calming down just enough to sputter out, "Oh my fuck… _**ahahaha**_! Didn't know you swung that way '_Mommy_.'" One look at Kyoya's glare and dark aura aimed at me sent me over the edge and I was left in hysterics on the floor for a good two or three minutes.

I was laughing so hard I was clapping like a retarded seal and no sound was coming out; I could only hope Kyoya was so infuriated he saw spots, but one can only dream.

After I finished my little "episode," I got up off the floor and wiped the tears away from my eyes.

"Heh…Mommy…" But before I could launch back into my nonsensical giggling, Haruhi began to speak.

"_Alright then_, forgetting everything that just happened _for now_…," she warned, "why are you guys even here? School isn't until 8 and it's only like 6:30." Haruhi questioned the recovering group.

"Well you see dear daughter," declared a rather well recuperated and dry-eyed Tamaki in relation to his state of sobbing just moments ago, "school has been cancelled today due to the release of many of the live test subjects to be used for dissection by the first years in biology last night." Everyone gave a rather pointed look in my general direction, to which I responded:

"Hey, I'm not even _in_ biology, how would I know about the cute little frogs or innocent freaking baby pigs set to be devoured by society?!" They all rolled their eyes simultaneously, almost as if they had rehearsed it. "Frankly, I am appalled you would blame such an occurrence on me. And besides, I was with Haruhi all night, just ask her."

"Yeah it's true. She was with me from after school until we both passed out, and I know she didn't sneak away in the middle of the night because she woke me up at 3 a.m. when she tried to take off her clothes." She confirmed.

"She _what_?"

"Oh, she was uncomfortable as she still had her day clothes on, so she tried take them off. She probably forgot she wasn't in her own house."

"I knew it! I just _knew_ it! Kaeden _is_ trying to steal away my Haruhi's innocence and you, my dear daughter, are just idly letting her! Maybe, we need to have a talk about sexual harassment…" Tamaki thoughtfully trailed off before abruptly yelping as a result of Haruhi's fist making contact with the top of his head, her dark aura returning.

"A. I am _not_ your daughter.

B. The only one sexually harassing anyone is _you_.

C. That _still_ does not explain why you are all in _my_ apartment."

"We wanted to hang out today, but _obviously_ you had other plans." Said Clone Dos sourly as he threw me a dirty look.

"Well maybe we can all hang out together Hika." said Clone Uno.

"Uh uh, no, no, nope, no, _no_." announced Haruhi, "I am _not_ going on one of your crazy little "outings." Nope. Not today, I have _things_ to do."

"Like _what_?" asked Clone Dos incredulously.

"Well, I have to cook dinner in advance for my father-"

"Dinner will be sent to your house, pre-made and ready to eat by one of our _private_ chefs," cut in Kyoya without lifting his eyes from his laptop that he had placed on the table some time after Tamaki's fit. I made a stupid face at him because somehow that accurately conveyed my _feelings_ for the retard.

"W-well I have homework to do and-"

"Haru-chan! You've had the homework for the next three weeks finished since last Tuesday!" input Honey, who was currently feasting on some magical fucking cake he poofed out of fucking nowhere. Where the _flying fuck _does he keep all that cake?

If I could poof money like he can poof cake, I could be a millionaire!

Oh wait…

I _**was**_ a millionaire _two motherfucking weeks ago_…

"I… I have to… umm… look guys I just-"

"She's just _so_ busy today! She must help me clean my apartment, help me with my homework, talk about girl stuff like the gynecologist and Starbucks… she's a busy girl, so out you go!" I said, gesturing to the door.

Kyoya decided he would take one for the team and go up against me. He stepped forward, finally shut his expensive laptop filled with Kyoya secrets, and looked me in the eye triumphantly.

"Well Kaeden, I think it's safe to say that you and Haruhi are not nearly as busy as you seem. First off, your apartment will remain a mess whether or not you clean it, as you lack an ability to retain organization. Secondly, I seriously doubt you actually do your homework despite your stellar grades. And lastly, Haruhi doesn't know what either of those things are."

"Hmph… Haruhi~!" I called, intent on making a point.

"What Kaeden?"

"Can you explain to me what a gynecologist does?"

"I honestly have no clue."

"Dammit Haruhi! You're killing me here!"

"Takashi? What's a gynecologist?" asked Honey innocently.

"Like you _don't_ know." I said sarcastically.

He looked at me surprised, but I'm not sure what he was expecting. He may look 8, but the dude's 17 going on 18, there's _no way_ he's as innocent as he seems. _Especially_ as, according to what I've heard, the top martial arts fighter in the world.

There's a certain amount of maturity and knowledge that comes along with his age and status, no matter how much cake he shoves down his pie-hole.

There's no fucking way he has to ask Silent Giant for the definition of a vagina doctor.

He knows.

And I know that he knows.

And he knows I know that he knows.

_We_ _all_ know.

Kyoya finally stepped in to interrupt our stare down.

"As it has been declared that Haruhi has no plans today, she will accompany us on our outing."

"…Fine. But Kaeden is coming with us." I silently fist pumped while a chorus of groans (from the twins and Tamaki mainly) cut her sentence off; the intensity of the following glare from her shut them up.

"But why does _she_ have to come along?" whined Clone Uno.

"For a number of reasons Clone Uno," I answered, "moral support, entertainment, an occasional reminder that we live in a land called 'reality.'"

"We don't want _you_ to come. _We_ don't like you." Declared Clone Dos brashly.

"Look at my face. Look at it. Do you _see_ how many fucks I give? _Do ya_?" I stuck my face right next to his. "Can you _**see**_ how many flying canoes I _don't_ give about whether you fucktards like me or not?"

"Guys, stop fighting. Kaeden go get ready; we're leaving soon. And all of _you_," she glared at the host club, "leave so _I_ can get changed! We'll meet you out there in 15 minutes."

"But don't you want us to _help_?" asked Clone Uno in a sultry tone as he hooked an arm around Haruhi's waist.

"Yeah, we'd _love_ to help you _get dressed,_" added Clone Dos as he caressed Haruhi's face.

"Nooooppee!" I yelled as I pulled Haruhi out of the twin's grasp. "Virgin alarm, virgin alarm!"

"Seriously! Quit fooling around!" Haruhi scolded as she disengaged herself from us. "We have a lot to do, so unless you _don't_ want me to come with you idiots, you better get moving!"

"Fine…" a chorus of mumbling and groans can from the pack of testosterone boxes as they shuffled out of the small apartment. I turned to Haruhi as the door swung shut, "Well _that_ was interesting."

"Uh huh, and that's one of their better days. It can honestly be a pain dealing with them sometimes but…" she thoughtfully trailed off and I pulled an entire fucking box of donuts and numerous other junk foods out of her kitchen cupboard and dug in.

Why she had these, I don't know, I don't care, I don't question.

_Do not_ question the food gods.

"But you know you _love_ them," I teased, "they're sweet at heart, you know that. They just want to protect you. It's my best guess that as the rich and spoiled brats they are, they get everything they want and treat it terribly because they can always get another one. But there is only one Haruhi and they sure as hell can't buy another _you_ with their stupid money, now can they my dear?" I finished with a wink.

"That's true… but I don't see why-" as she turned around to face me, she noticed how I was defiling her pantry, "get out of there! If you want something I'll make it for you, otherwise, stop eating all of my dad's snacks!"

"Ugh _fine,_" I grinned, "but you realize that they've all got the hots for you right Ha-ru-hi~?" I sung.

"Shut up and stop being stupid. They're just idiots… and that's exactly what we will look like if we're not out there in… oh great, now we only have 7 and a half minutes; I suggest you get moving!"

She ran into her room to no doubt get ready, and I left her apartment with arms filled with donuts and soda for breakfast and an arsenal chockfull of ways to make this "outing" an _interesting_ one…

Today will be _**so**_ entertaining.


End file.
